Estimated Tolerances

Confederate Primates' Social Tolerance

2009-01-11T09:44:00.006-06:00

We decided a social experiment was in order, hopefully learning from our cheeky predecessors- the chimpanzee.

A group of "hometown" chimps from the countryside of South Carolina was introduced into an enclosure with firearms, moonshine, and textbooks from the pre-civil rights era. After leaving them for a week to become acclimated to one another, an "alternative lifestyle" chimp from southern California was brought into the group.

Despite being visually and genetically identical, the "hometown" chimps took to immediately singling out the new chimp. Eventually, the group even started a Sunday Tea Club that was suddenly "full" when the new chimp showed the slightest glint of interest. The experiment was terminated when they learned to bake pies, solely for throwing at the unfortunate chimp, whom later died from the injuries.

Two Conclusions can be made, based on political affiliation:
1) DIRTY LIBERAL: Michael Moore should be made aware of this chimpanzee intolerance so he can walk his fat ass around South Carolina and accusingly "interview" confederate chimpanzees.
2)CLUELESS REPUBLICAN: The Army needs to teach good "hometown"/ "god-fearing" values to more chimps... before releasing them via parachute over large gay populations.

Sombrero's Tolerance to the "Mexican Hat Dance"

2009-01-07T02:17:00.005-06:00

5 undercover sombreros were taken to a bar in nearby Tijuana. They acted casually, ordering domestic Mexican brews and the occasional shot of tequila for the cholos.

When the "Mexican Hat Dance" was played on the juke box, they dropped their ponchos, revealing an arsenal of of weaponry. Only the women, and slightly drunk children made it out of the bar alive.

CONCLUSION: Clothing lines for large, woven hats apparently exist. Go fuckin figure.

Childrens' Tolerance to Car Bumpers

2009-01-04T11:07:00.002-06:00

Five children were drafted to test the effects of being hit by the front of a car. Data will be compiled from various speeds ranging from 10-45 miles per hour.

The children will be blindfolded as to foil any anticipatory movements to the approaching vehicle.

PROJECT ABANDONED AFTER MINOR LEGAL CONFLICTS.
MAY APPEAR ON YOUTUBE IN NEAR FUTURE.

Cognitive Human's Tolerance to 'The West Wing'

2008-12-28T16:43:00.004-06:00

Two secluded rooms with a single chair and television set were constructed. A living, cognitive, generally healthy human (Subject A) was put in one room. A dead body (Subject B) was placed in the other.

Episodes of The West Wing were played continuously for 36 hours. At the end of the time frame, Subject A had committed suicide. Subject B was in the same place in front of the TV.

Conclusion: The West Wing's demographic appeals to dead people so substantially, that the living are inclined to kill themselves.

Arachnids' Tolerance To Extreme Pressure

2008-12-21T11:33:00.002-06:00

I smashed a large spider with a dictionary.

Conclusion: Estimated tolerance is inconclusive. Further test data must be compiled.

Tree Stump's Tolerance of Loud Music Whilst Driving

2008-12-16T21:55:00.004-06:00

A freshly cut maple stump was given the challenge of driving its vehicle through congested city streets while enduring the deafening noise of industrial metal.

The stump was unable to tolerate the music and lost control of the vehicle, causing a 5 car accident at an intersection.

Conclusion: The local DMV has major issues with it's driver's license screening process.

Man's Tolerance to Shark BItes

2008-12-16T01:50:00.005-06:00

A fit 35 year old male decided to see how many shark bites he could tolerate before giving in to the unbearable pain.

After marinating in chum, the test subject entered the tank. The shark took one bite and ripped the man's arm clean off at the shoulder.

The man forfeited immediately and began screaming and moaning in pain as he was pulled from the water.

Conclusion: Having a limb torn off by multiple rows of teeth turns you into a self-centered whiny bitch.

Bovine Tolerance to Open Flame

2008-12-15T23:26:00.007-06:00

An 1100 pound steer was herded through a chute which ended in a 9 foot wide barbecue pit.

It experienced some violent and severe burns.

The bovine was delicious on a wheat bun and dill pickles.

Conclusion: Open flame was quite possibly the cause of death.

82 Year Old's Tolerance to Not Breathing

2008-12-15T22:55:00.003-06:00

Mildred held her breath for 6 minutes straight.

Mildred's body surfaced to the top of her bathtub moments later.

Conclusion: The elderly should not attempt breathing experiments.

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