Confederate Primates' Social Tolerance

We decided a social experiment was in order, hopefully learning from our cheeky predecessors- the chimpanzee.

A group of "hometown" chimps from the countryside of South Carolina was introduced into an enclosure with firearms, moonshine, and textbooks from the pre-civil rights era. After leaving them for a week to become acclimated to one another, an "alternative lifestyle" chimp from southern California was brought into the group.

Despite being visually and genetically identical, the "hometown" chimps took to immediately singling out the new chimp. Eventually, the group even started a Sunday Tea Club that was suddenly "full" when the new chimp showed the slightest glint of interest. The experiment was terminated when they learned to bake pies, solely for throwing at the unfortunate chimp, whom later died from the injuries.

Two Conclusions can be made, based on political affiliation:
1) DIRTY LIBERAL: Michael Moore should be made aware of this chimpanzee intolerance so he can walk his fat ass around South Carolina and accusingly "interview" confederate chimpanzees.
2)CLUELESS REPUBLICAN: The Army needs to teach good "hometown"/ "god-fearing" values to more chimps... before releasing them via parachute over large gay populations.

Sombrero's Tolerance to the "Mexican Hat Dance"

5 undercover sombreros were taken to a bar in nearby Tijuana. They acted casually, ordering domestic Mexican brews and the occasional shot of tequila for the cholos.

When the "Mexican Hat Dance" was played on the juke box, they dropped their ponchos, revealing an arsenal of of weaponry. Only the women, and slightly drunk children made it out of the bar alive.

CONCLUSION: Clothing lines for large, woven hats apparently exist. Go fuckin figure.

Childrens' Tolerance to Car Bumpers

Five children were drafted to test the effects of being hit by the front of a car. Data will be compiled from various speeds ranging from 10-45 miles per hour.

The children will be blindfolded as to foil any anticipatory movements to the approaching vehicle.

PROJECT ABANDONED AFTER MINOR LEGAL CONFLICTS.
MAY APPEAR ON YOUTUBE IN NEAR FUTURE.